Listening: The Engine Producing the Power of Using Questions - Part 2

In Part I of The Power of Listening, we hopefully established the affect listening can have in helping people make discoveries and how vital it is to the use of a coaching approach. In Part II, we will consider some of the components of a good listener.

Stephen Covey, in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us that there is more to listening than just hearing. We need to be listening “with the intent to understand.” He points out that in the whole arena of communication, verbal communication comprises only 35% of what is communicated. The other 65% is nonverbal. What makes up the nonverbal communication? Body language, which includes tone of voice and the feelings with which they are spoken. Other components of body language include eye contact, facial expressions, how poised a person is, what they do with their hands and feet, etc.

Since we are discussing the art of listening here, our assumption may be that only one-way communication is taking place. That is, from the other person to the one who is listening. But not so. When we consider that communication is much more than verbal we have to recognize that while the other person is talking and the listener is silent, the listener is still communicating. By their body language, the listener is communicating whether or not they are truly listening. Where is the listener’s eyes, for instance? Are they on the person speaking? Or, are they on their lap, on their watch, on an object or person beyond the speaker? All of this communicates they are not really listening or interested in what the person is saying.

As a person of relatively few words, if I notice a person to whom I am speaking appears to be inattentive, I will often quit talking. I am very sensitive to whether a listener or an audience is really hearing me. If it is a setting in which it would be rude or embarrassing to quit talking I will continue, but it will tend to sap a lot of energy to keep going. Some people are more sensitive than others to recognize the signs of a non-listener, but everyone will pick up on it to some extent. Such practices of non-listening do not bode well for the one trying to use the coach approach.

Dr Paula J. Caplan, a clinical and research psychologist, and an Associate at Harvard University's DuBois Institute, has some rather astonishing things to say about the healing power of listening in her article, The Astonishing Power of Listening.

She asserts that a caring listener can often do the work of trained psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, or pastoral, marriage and family, or other counselor. However, she is quick to say that, “Not for a moment do I believe that all therapists are bad or never of use. For instance, if your pain comes from being abused, of course you will not turn to just anyone in the family or inner circle of the abuser and expect them to listen in a caring, respectful, helpful way. The problem is that too often, both lay people and therapists themselves act as though helpful listening is only the province of the professionals.”

Furthermore, she says, “Who decided that for human problems, even intense suffering, friends cannot possibly be enough? That we should not even start by turning to friends or loved ones?” Being a good listener does not require any degrees or even any training, though training might be helpful. But listening, with the intent of understanding, is often all a person needs who is immersed in a crises or experiencing a loss.

This is the gift we bring to others when we make use of a coach approach in helping people. For our primary task is that of listening. Our secondary task is to ask powerful questions that will engender discovery. Our questions, though, are only useful after we have listened for the purpose of understanding.

So what is required to be a good listener? A good starting point is to exercise the Golden Rule applied to listening, “Listen to others as you would have them listen to you.” From there, it is primarily a matter of using listening practices that many of us use intuitively:

1. Sit facing the speaker and show, through your body language, your attentiveness by leaning slightly forward.
2. Maintain good eye contact, though not to the point of making the other person uncomfortable.
3. Make appropriate responses such as nodding your head or murmuring an “uh-huh” or other such acknowledgments that indicate you understand and/or sympathize.
4. Wait until the speaker finishes before offering comments to be sure you fully understand what they are saying.
5. Avoid telling them how you handled a similar situation.

Keep in mind that as both a listener and as one who is offering a coach approach, your purpose is not to tell them what to do. Your purpose to help them discover for themselves what to do.

Listening: The Engine Producing the Power of Using Questions

What I refer to as The Power of Using Questions is a practice known in some circles as a coach approach which aims to help people discover their own solutions to issues through the use of guided questions. While I have discussed the benefits of this approach in other blogs, and also given some examples of how it can be used, I have not yet discussed the key element that produces the power in using questions.

This key element is the gift of listening. Though using questions can be a very useful tool for helping people discover solutions and engender change, its power is fully utilized without bringing to it the skill of listening.

Listening is powerful in and of itself, but when harnessed with the use of guided questions the power of both is increased.  Brenda Ueland, in her article, The Art of Listening, tells us that, “When we are listened to . . . Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life.” Furthermore, she asks, “Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then know what to do about it yourself.”

When someone listens to us we are energized. Ideas begin to flow and our creative juices come alive. In the presence of someone who wants to tell us but does not want to listen to us, our energy is drained as the effort to be heard and understood saps our energy. This experience is well-known to experienced public speakers. When a person becomes experienced enough at public speaking to be less focused on themselves and their fear of speaking and more focused on their audience and trying to effectively communicate, they learn to ‘read’ those to whom they are speaking and become sensitive to whether or not they are being heard.

When a speaker senses he or she is not being heard they begin to work harder to communicate. And if they find it necessary to keep up this increased effort without being heard throughout their presentation, they are exhausted when it is over. By contrast, when a speaker recognizes the signs in their audience of being heard and maybe even heard enthusicastically, the speaker is energized and and becomes increasingly communicative with their audience throughout their presentation. They are pumped when their presentation is finished.

This phenomenon of being heard explains how being heard can, in itself, encourage one to discover their own solutions. As Brenda Ueland, explained, when someone truly listens as we pour out our problem to them, the solution tends to present itself to us. But let’s add another advantage of being heard.

Listening allows change to take place without forcing it. Being heard reduces rather than increases our resistance, as pointed out by Brian Muldoon in his article,  The Power of Listening. As a mediator, Mr. Muldoon comes at the subject of listening from the perspective of mediation, harnessing its power to bring resolution to conflict.

But from the perspective of one who wants to help others find solutions, we can also recognize the benefit of reducing resistance. There are times in our efforts to help lead someone to a solution through the use of questions when we recognize that the person is circling around the solution but yet avoiding it. For some reason they are resisting this particular solution to what concerns them. But if they are listened to long enough and guided through questions to examine this solution from several perspectives, their resistance can be reduced enough to accept this solution they initially resisted.

Even if they cannot be directed to the solution through questioning, listening to them without judgment can help bring them to the point at which they will listen to a solution you might offer. This is not the ideal, however. Ideally we want to lead them to making their own discovery.

As Brian Muldoon states in his article, “Once we stop being defensive, the mind is free to become creative. Change then happens.”

So in our use of the power of questions to help others “discover their own solutions through the use of guided questions” by utilizing the skill of listening our use of questions becomes truly powerful.

Leave a comment below. Is this information helpful? What have been your experiences in practicing listening and guided questions?

The Coach Approach

What I refer to as The Power of Using Questions could also be called a "coach approach.” This is because it is the central approach used by Life Coaches. The use of powerful questions is the primary tool of the trade for Life Coaches.

So what is the Coach Approach? At its root, it is helping someone discover their own solutions through the use of guided questions. This is in contrast to “offering advise” or suggesting what one should do. If a person is in a role of helping other people through life problems or a crises or solving a problem, or whatever the issue might be, their options at hand to help the other person are to advise, instruct, or problem solve. Each of these assumes that we are somewhat of an expert concerning the issue, or have at least had experience with the concern at hand. But the fourth option is the coach approach. This approach assumes the other person to be the expert.

Whatever the concern may be, we may well be an expert or have considerable experience, but if we limit ourselves to the options of advising, instructing, or problem solving, we limit ourselves to whom we can help. After all, who are we to advise, instruct, or problem solve an issue with which we have had no experience? So, if I have not had experience related to the other person’s issue, then I am not qualified to help - unless I use the coach approach.

So a big advantage of the coach approach is that we are not required to be the expert. The “expert” is the one we are attempting to help. We are simply leading them to discover a solution that is within them but is eluding them. Or, if it is not within them, we help them discover the solution elsewhere. And, we do all this through the use of questions.

Though the terms “coach” and “mentor” are often used interchangeably, technically they are not the same.  While it is not important that we have our terms straight, I believe it is helpful to understand the difference so we also understand what we are attempting to do and do it with more intentionality and effectiveness.

Mentoring:   Mentoring has its origins in apprenticeship. This is the practice of an older and/or more experienced individual passing down his or her knowledge and experience of how a task is done. In this context, a mentor was an ‘expert’ passing along his expertise to the novice.

The mentor approaches the subject from the outside. That is, from his own experiences and training, and is assumed to be the expert in the relationship. It can be a very helpful approach, allowing the mentee to learn from the experiences and mistakes of the mentor.

But being a mentor has its limitations. It is limited to the experiences and training of the mentor. The mentor is unable to take the mentee beyond his own capabilities. A good example of this is the internationally acclaimed, rowing coach, Mike Spracklen.

Spracklen has coached olympic and world championship rowing teams. One of his best known teams was the duo Andy Holmes and Steve Redgrave. When he first coached them, he did so out of his experience and technical knowledge of the sport. But with Holmes & Redgrave, who went on to win 5 Olympic gold medals between 1984 & 2000, he reached the limitations of his knowledge. He could take them no further.

As he grappled with this, he began to coach out of their experience. He said, “They feel things that I can’t even see.” This reverses the approach. The coach becomes a facilitator to help the person being coached to discover what is already in them and helps them make the application.

Coaching: In the beginning, Mike Spracklen “coached” the rowing team of Holmes and Redgrave through instructing and advising. But when he reached his limitations he shifted to the “coach approach.” In doing so, he shifted from being the one with the knowledge and expertise to assuming the rowing team to be the ones with the knowledge and expertise and his role shifted to helping them discover what they knew and apply it to their situation.

In my coaching experience, I have discovered that the knowledge of the person I’m coaching is seldom the issue. Most know more than what they are doing. The problem is that they don’t see how to apply what they know to their situation. My role as a coach is to help them discover the application.

In taking the coach approach, what will be the limitations? One limitation will be the “coach’s” ability to use questions to guide the PBC. But the primary limitation will be the PBC’s themselves.  Will the PBC follow through with the solutions the coach helps them discover? And if they do, how well will they apply them?

The Coach Approach:  In her book, “Christ-Centered Coaching,” Jane Creswell, who was one of my coaching trainers, makes these statements about the coaching approach:

• Coaching focuses on discovery. The coach won’t provide the answer, make decisions for you, or tell you what to do.
• Coaching can help on two levels: They can help a person on a micro level find his or her untapped potential to make each day productive. They can also help a person on a macro level rediscover his or her focus/call/purpose and move toward leading a life of significance.
• A coach will help you find untapped resources within yourself.
• Coaching is not counseling, consulting, or mentoring. It’s not therapy. A coach is not a “man with a plan” who has gone before you and knows whether “the plan” works or leaves disaster in its path. In consulting and mentoring, the expertise lies in the consultant or the mentor and is transferred to the person. Counseling is about resolving how the past informs the present. But coaching is only about the present and moving forward.

Considering what has been said so far, what a coach is or isn’t looks like this:

What A coach Is – a sounding board a facilitator an awareness raiser

What a Coach Is Not – a problem solver a teacher an adviser an instructor a counselor an expert

Leave a comment. Let me know what you think.

Using the Power of Questions with Problem Solving

In previous blogs I have explained what I mean when I refer to The Power of Using Questions and also how the use of questions can benefit you in your various relationships. In my last blog I demonstrated how The Power of Using Questions can be used to benefit a friend who asks for your advice.

If you have read my previous blogs you are beginning to realize that there is nothing complicated about using this approach. It doesn't require a college degree to benefit from it, and, in fact, may be an approach you already use to some degree without giving it much thought. You are simply doing what comes naturally. But by being intentional with it, and with practice, you can make it a powerful tool for good in your relationships.

While I use this tool formally in formal coaching relationships, I use it informally on a consistent basis in a variety of relationships and settings. Usually those to whom I am relating have little awareness that I am using questions with a purpose. It is normally interpreted as having an interest in what they are telling me. And on those occasion in which I am able to help a person make a discovery, they may not even be aware that my questions led them to the discovery. What doesn't happen, though, is for them to go away thinking that I gave them unwanted or bad advise. Why is this? Because I don't normally give advise in these situations. I have only helped them make their own discovery.

For those of us who are often in roles of helping others in an informal 'counseling' or 'consulting' role, this approach may require a significant shift. Many of us like to hear ourselves talk and want to feel that we have good advise to give. But in reality how often is our advise either shrugged off or forgotten soon after the conversation ends because it has had little impact on them. It was not their idea and was not seriously incorporated into their thinking. They didn't own it.

My point, then, is that when our first concern is to help someone find solutions we will want, in our effort to help them, to lead with questions rather than jumping in too quickly with advise. Therefore we begin the effort to help them by asking questions that probe and help them explore possibilities. My goal in most situations is to continue this process of listening and probing with questions until the person reaches an 'aha' moment in which the 'lights come on' for them and the solution becomes apparent.

On occasion, however, after several cycles of listening and probing and making little or no headway, the person will say, "tell me what you think?" If, by this time in the conversation, I believe I have something to offer and there is limited opportunity to lead them with further questions, I may go ahead and tell them what I think.

By this point, though, they are ready to hear what I have to say. I have examined the issue with them carefully and have a good understanding of it. I have demonstrated that I value their opinion and understanding of the issue. So now they are ready to listen and consider what I have to say.  Once I have told them what I think, a new possibility is on the table and it may be beneficial to return to the use of questions and probe this new possibility.

I recall an occasion when a couple of leaders from a community service organization asked to meet with me to help find a solution concerning a difficult person in their organization who was being disruptive to the organization. Taking my usual approach, I tried to lead them to discover of a solution by use of questions. After a while it became apparent that we were going in circles and not coming to a solution. So finally, one of the leaders said to me, "could you just tell us what you think we should do?" And so I did.

You might ask, "why didn't you just tell them in the first place?" Certainly I could have, but I think any advise I would have given too soon would have been premature. The questioning was helpful for them to explore alternatives and helpful for me to understand the dynamics of the situation. In the end, what they were asking me to do was not really to give them advise but to help them decide which alternative to choose.

Using The Power of Using Questions to Assist A Friend

My previous blog discussed the value of The Power of Using Questions for a leader supervising those being led. In such a setting using questions might be done formally in a ‘coaching’ relationship or more informally, simply taking advantage of the benefit questions offer.

In this blog, we will move to another example: the Power of Using Questions informally in a relationship with a friend. Can questions be of benefit to a friend, and if so, how?

Have you ever had a friend give you a scenario they encountered and then ask, “what would you have done in this situation?” If so, how did you handle the a question?

Personally, I don’t find such questions to be greatly helpful and can potentially be loaded questions that set you up for the loss of a friend. I try not to get sucked into answering such questions. In my opinion, friends don’t ask friends such questions and friends don’t answer such questions for friends.

Why would I say this? When there have been occasions in the past when I took the bait and gave a reply to the question, invariably the response I got was an explanation of why they couldn't have done what I said in this situation. So did they really want to know what I would have done or did they just want me to affirm what they did? When I didn't affirm them, then they became defensive. If they truly wanted to know and learn from my opinion, they might have used a better question.

Even then, I’m still not sure I would give a direct reply to the question. Instead, I would respond with a question. For instance, I might ask them to give me more detail about the situation. If I led off with this question it would be to move into a questioning mode obliquely and not for the purpose of helping me determine the answer I might give.

If they had not already told me what they did in that situation, my second question might be to ask them what they did in the situation. You cannot always think more than one question in advance since you don’t know what their response will be to your questions. But in this case I am thinking of two and maybe three questions in advance because I will ask the second question regardless of what they tell me they did in that situation, and more than likely will ask the third question regardless of the answer they give to my second question.

After asking what they did in that situation, my second question would be something similar to this: “Is there a particular reason you chose to do that?” And whatever their answer is to this question, I will probably go on to ask, “What do you feel were your other options in that situation?” Again, such a dialogue is unpredictable so it is conceivable that I will not move on to use this third question. It is also conceivable that if I used the third question I would also go on to a fourth question, “In retrospect, given what you know now, would you have chosen one of the other options? And, I would likely follow that question with the question, “why?”

This whole set of questions are a likely line of questions that can be of considerable more benefit to the friend than my attempt to give an answer to his/her question. Assuming the friend truly wants to know if they did the right thing in the situation they described, this line of questions will help them evaluate whether they might have done the best thing. And it will be they who does the evaluation and not me. If they truly want my opinion, offering it after this line of questions can be much more appropriate than offering it at the outset. Once we have gone through these questions and answers I then have some clues on the best way to frame my reply.

In conclusion, I would give a caution about committing oneself too much to a line of questions that might easily be anticipated from the outset of a conversation of this nature. The caution is that by committing oneself too strongly to a line of questions they, in the process, quit listening. The flip side of The Power of Using Questions is The Power of Listening. I will save the discussion of the importance of listening for another blog, but suffice it to say, the use of questions lose their power if we do not use the power of listening.

How Can the Power of Asking Questions Benefit You?

In my previous blog, I asserted that, “Anyone in most any situation can increase their effectiveness in relating to others by learning to ask questions and to quit ‘telling’ long enough to listen to the answers.” Though the use of questions as a powerful tool is the primary tool in the toolbox of the professional coach, it is not necessary for one to be a professional coach or to have gone through coach certification.

So how can you make use of questions to benefit your relationships? I will address other roles in future blogs, but for now, let's assume you are in some type of leadership role. Maybe you are a leader by profession or in a voluntary role. In either case, the use of questions is a paradigm shift, shifting from you, the leader as the one empowered to empowering the person to whom you are relating.

This assertion raises two questions immediately. How does this shift empower the other person? Why would a leader want to empower the one they are leading?

The simple shift to ‘asking’ someone rather than ‘telling’ them is one that automatically empowers them. It assumes that they might know something of value about the issue at hand. In addition, it suggests that their understanding of the issue and possible solutions, remedies, or courses of action might actually guide the course taken rather than having to implement the plans of their leader(s).

However subtle the shift, the impact of empowering and motivating the other person is huge. Even those not greatly observant will sense the significance of the shift. They may not trust it at first, but they will sense it.

As for the second question, “Why would a leader want to empower the one they are leading?” this is a legitimate questions in some settings. In some settings the dynamics of the relationship between leader and follower may not allow it. Besides this type of setting the question might also be asked by a leader who is not particularly secure in his/her leadership. If you are one who doesn't feel completely secure in your leadership role and fear that making a shift that might empower those your lead, let me assure you that making this shift not only empowers the follower but also empowers the leader.

I learned this lesson from a very astute supervisor. Rather early in his role as my supervisor he proposed reworking my job role as well as those of my peers. I was prepared to have him tell us what our roles should be. Instead, he began by asking us what our roles should be and what they should accomplish. That was immensely empowering for those of us on staff. The lesson I learned from that experience for future reference was that his move to take this approach also empowered his position as leader. We had no desire to usurp his role as leader but were motivated to follow his leadership.

Give it a try, leader. I think you will like the outcome. Stay tuned, though, as we discuss in more detail how to make use of the Power of Using Questions in future blogs.

What is "The Power of Using Questions" About?

Thank you for dropping by. This is my first post for the blog "The Power of Using Questions" and the first point of order is to explain what it is about. Here is the simple version: The Power of Using Questions is about having effective and productive relationship through the use of powerful questions.

Read on for the longer version.

I first learned of the power of using questions several years ago when I was working with leaders of non-profit organizations, helping to resource them to be better leaders. I had spent several years prior to this "awakening" attempting to accomplish my task by providing quality training experiences, operating out of the assumption that "we do better when we know better."

Certainly knowledge is a big piece of the puzzle, but it definitely is not the only piece. This realization dawned on me when I finally admitted that the training approach was not affecting much change in helping leaders more fully realize their potential. A few years and innumerable training events later, while working with mostly the same leaders, I had to admit there must be a better way. Little change in leadership effectiveness was evident.

So I set out on a year and one half mission to find a better way. In the end I concluded that the missing link was coaching. Now, I know coaching has become a "buzzword" in many circles. But I find it is often used in a context which has little to do with coaching as I came to understand it, utilizing the power of using questions is not realized.

It was through training and certification I went through to be a leadership coach that I came to realize the power of using questions. But what I also have come to realize is that it doesn't take a certified coach to take advantage of the power of using questions. Anyone in most any situation can increase their effectiveness in relating to others by learning to ask questions and to quit telling long enough to listen to the answers.

But there is the rub. Too many of us, myself included, enjoy hearing ourselves talk and are made to feel more important by telling others what is best rather than being still long enough to ask and listen. By doing so we can discover how much more empowering and motivating this approach can be for those to whom we relate and in turn for ourselves.

My plan for this blog is to provide the benefits of the Power of Using Questions to whomever wishes to benefit from it. I invite you to check back regularly - even subscribe to this blog if you wish - to continue learning the benefits of using questions in your setting.