What I refer to as The Power of Using Questions is a practice known in some circles as a coach approach which aims to help people discover their own solutions to issues through the use of guided questions. While I have discussed the benefits of this approach in other blogs, and also given some examples of how it can be used, I have not yet discussed the key element that produces the power in using questions.
This key element is the gift of listening. Though using questions can be a very useful tool for helping people discover solutions and engender change, its power is fully utilized without bringing to it the skill of listening.
Listening is powerful in and of itself, but when harnessed with the use of guided questions the power of both is increased. Brenda Ueland, in her article, The Art of Listening, tells us that, “When we are listened to . . . Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life.” Furthermore, she asks, “Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then know what to do about it yourself.”
When someone listens to us we are energized. Ideas begin to flow and our creative juices come alive. In the presence of someone who wants to tell us but does not want to listen to us, our energy is drained as the effort to be heard and understood saps our energy. This experience is well-known to experienced public speakers. When a person becomes experienced enough at public speaking to be less focused on themselves and their fear of speaking and more focused on their audience and trying to effectively communicate, they learn to ‘read’ those to whom they are speaking and become sensitive to whether or not they are being heard.
When a speaker senses he or she is not being heard they begin to work harder to communicate. And if they find it necessary to keep up this increased effort without being heard throughout their presentation, they are exhausted when it is over. By contrast, when a speaker recognizes the signs in their audience of being heard and maybe even heard enthusicastically, the speaker is energized and and becomes increasingly communicative with their audience throughout their presentation. They are pumped when their presentation is finished.
This phenomenon of being heard explains how being heard can, in itself, encourage one to discover their own solutions. As Brenda Ueland, explained, when someone truly listens as we pour out our problem to them, the solution tends to present itself to us. But let’s add another advantage of being heard.
Listening allows change to take place without forcing it. Being heard reduces rather than increases our resistance, as pointed out by Brian Muldoon in his article, The Power of Listening. As a mediator, Mr. Muldoon comes at the subject of listening from the perspective of mediation, harnessing its power to bring resolution to conflict.
But from the perspective of one who wants to help others find solutions, we can also recognize the benefit of reducing resistance. There are times in our efforts to help lead someone to a solution through the use of questions when we recognize that the person is circling around the solution but yet avoiding it. For some reason they are resisting this particular solution to what concerns them. But if they are listened to long enough and guided through questions to examine this solution from several perspectives, their resistance can be reduced enough to accept this solution they initially resisted.
Even if they cannot be directed to the solution through questioning, listening to them without judgment can help bring them to the point at which they will listen to a solution you might offer. This is not the ideal, however. Ideally we want to lead them to making their own discovery.
As Brian Muldoon states in his article, “Once we stop being defensive, the mind is free to become creative. Change then happens.”
So in our use of the power of questions to help others “discover their own solutions through the use of guided questions” by utilizing the skill of listening our use of questions becomes truly powerful.
Leave a comment below. Is this information helpful? What have been your experiences in practicing listening and guided questions?
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