In previous blogs I have explained what I mean when I refer to The Power of Using Questions and also how the use of questions can benefit you in your various relationships. In my last blog I demonstrated how The Power of Using Questions can be used to benefit a friend who asks for your advice.
If you have read my previous blogs you are beginning to realize that there is nothing complicated about using this approach. It doesn't require a college degree to benefit from it, and, in fact, may be an approach you already use to some degree without giving it much thought. You are simply doing what comes naturally. But by being intentional with it, and with practice, you can make it a powerful tool for good in your relationships.
While I use this tool formally in formal coaching relationships, I use it informally on a consistent basis in a variety of relationships and settings. Usually those to whom I am relating have little awareness that I am using questions with a purpose. It is normally interpreted as having an interest in what they are telling me. And on those occasion in which I am able to help a person make a discovery, they may not even be aware that my questions led them to the discovery. What doesn't happen, though, is for them to go away thinking that I gave them unwanted or bad advise. Why is this? Because I don't normally give advise in these situations. I have only helped them make their own discovery.
For those of us who are often in roles of helping others in an informal 'counseling' or 'consulting' role, this approach may require a significant shift. Many of us like to hear ourselves talk and want to feel that we have good advise to give. But in reality how often is our advise either shrugged off or forgotten soon after the conversation ends because it has had little impact on them. It was not their idea and was not seriously incorporated into their thinking. They didn't own it.
My point, then, is that when our first concern is to help someone find solutions we will want, in our effort to help them, to lead with questions rather than jumping in too quickly with advise. Therefore we begin the effort to help them by asking questions that probe and help them explore possibilities. My goal in most situations is to continue this process of listening and probing with questions until the person reaches an 'aha' moment in which the 'lights come on' for them and the solution becomes apparent.
On occasion, however, after several cycles of listening and probing and making little or no headway, the person will say, "tell me what you think?" If, by this time in the conversation, I believe I have something to offer and there is limited opportunity to lead them with further questions, I may go ahead and tell them what I think.
By this point, though, they are ready to hear what I have to say. I have examined the issue with them carefully and have a good understanding of it. I have demonstrated that I value their opinion and understanding of the issue. So now they are ready to listen and consider what I have to say. Once I have told them what I think, a new possibility is on the table and it may be beneficial to return to the use of questions and probe this new possibility.
I recall an occasion when a couple of leaders from a community service organization asked to meet with me to help find a solution concerning a difficult person in their organization who was being disruptive to the organization. Taking my usual approach, I tried to lead them to discover of a solution by use of questions. After a while it became apparent that we were going in circles and not coming to a solution. So finally, one of the leaders said to me, "could you just tell us what you think we should do?" And so I did.
You might ask, "why didn't you just tell them in the first place?" Certainly I could have, but I think any advise I would have given too soon would have been premature. The questioning was helpful for them to explore alternatives and helpful for me to understand the dynamics of the situation. In the end, what they were asking me to do was not really to give them advise but to help them decide which alternative to choose.
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