Listening: The Engine Producing the Power of Using Questions - Part 2

In Part I of The Power of Listening, we hopefully established the affect listening can have in helping people make discoveries and how vital it is to the use of a coaching approach. In Part II, we will consider some of the components of a good listener.

Stephen Covey, in his book, Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, tells us that there is more to listening than just hearing. We need to be listening “with the intent to understand.” He points out that in the whole arena of communication, verbal communication comprises only 35% of what is communicated. The other 65% is nonverbal. What makes up the nonverbal communication? Body language, which includes tone of voice and the feelings with which they are spoken. Other components of body language include eye contact, facial expressions, how poised a person is, what they do with their hands and feet, etc.

Since we are discussing the art of listening here, our assumption may be that only one-way communication is taking place. That is, from the other person to the one who is listening. But not so. When we consider that communication is much more than verbal we have to recognize that while the other person is talking and the listener is silent, the listener is still communicating. By their body language, the listener is communicating whether or not they are truly listening. Where is the listener’s eyes, for instance? Are they on the person speaking? Or, are they on their lap, on their watch, on an object or person beyond the speaker? All of this communicates they are not really listening or interested in what the person is saying.

As a person of relatively few words, if I notice a person to whom I am speaking appears to be inattentive, I will often quit talking. I am very sensitive to whether a listener or an audience is really hearing me. If it is a setting in which it would be rude or embarrassing to quit talking I will continue, but it will tend to sap a lot of energy to keep going. Some people are more sensitive than others to recognize the signs of a non-listener, but everyone will pick up on it to some extent. Such practices of non-listening do not bode well for the one trying to use the coach approach.

Dr Paula J. Caplan, a clinical and research psychologist, and an Associate at Harvard University's DuBois Institute, has some rather astonishing things to say about the healing power of listening in her article, The Astonishing Power of Listening.

She asserts that a caring listener can often do the work of trained psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist, or pastoral, marriage and family, or other counselor. However, she is quick to say that, “Not for a moment do I believe that all therapists are bad or never of use. For instance, if your pain comes from being abused, of course you will not turn to just anyone in the family or inner circle of the abuser and expect them to listen in a caring, respectful, helpful way. The problem is that too often, both lay people and therapists themselves act as though helpful listening is only the province of the professionals.”

Furthermore, she says, “Who decided that for human problems, even intense suffering, friends cannot possibly be enough? That we should not even start by turning to friends or loved ones?” Being a good listener does not require any degrees or even any training, though training might be helpful. But listening, with the intent of understanding, is often all a person needs who is immersed in a crises or experiencing a loss.

This is the gift we bring to others when we make use of a coach approach in helping people. For our primary task is that of listening. Our secondary task is to ask powerful questions that will engender discovery. Our questions, though, are only useful after we have listened for the purpose of understanding.

So what is required to be a good listener? A good starting point is to exercise the Golden Rule applied to listening, “Listen to others as you would have them listen to you.” From there, it is primarily a matter of using listening practices that many of us use intuitively:

1. Sit facing the speaker and show, through your body language, your attentiveness by leaning slightly forward.
2. Maintain good eye contact, though not to the point of making the other person uncomfortable.
3. Make appropriate responses such as nodding your head or murmuring an “uh-huh” or other such acknowledgments that indicate you understand and/or sympathize.
4. Wait until the speaker finishes before offering comments to be sure you fully understand what they are saying.
5. Avoid telling them how you handled a similar situation.

Keep in mind that as both a listener and as one who is offering a coach approach, your purpose is not to tell them what to do. Your purpose to help them discover for themselves what to do.

Listening: The Engine Producing the Power of Using Questions

What I refer to as The Power of Using Questions is a practice known in some circles as a coach approach which aims to help people discover their own solutions to issues through the use of guided questions. While I have discussed the benefits of this approach in other blogs, and also given some examples of how it can be used, I have not yet discussed the key element that produces the power in using questions.

This key element is the gift of listening. Though using questions can be a very useful tool for helping people discover solutions and engender change, its power is fully utilized without bringing to it the skill of listening.

Listening is powerful in and of itself, but when harnessed with the use of guided questions the power of both is increased.  Brenda Ueland, in her article, The Art of Listening, tells us that, “When we are listened to . . . Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life.” Furthermore, she asks, “Who are the people, for example, to whom you go for advice? Not to the hard, practical ones who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners; that is, the kindest, least censorious, least bossy people you know. It is because by pouring out your problem to them, you then know what to do about it yourself.”

When someone listens to us we are energized. Ideas begin to flow and our creative juices come alive. In the presence of someone who wants to tell us but does not want to listen to us, our energy is drained as the effort to be heard and understood saps our energy. This experience is well-known to experienced public speakers. When a person becomes experienced enough at public speaking to be less focused on themselves and their fear of speaking and more focused on their audience and trying to effectively communicate, they learn to ‘read’ those to whom they are speaking and become sensitive to whether or not they are being heard.

When a speaker senses he or she is not being heard they begin to work harder to communicate. And if they find it necessary to keep up this increased effort without being heard throughout their presentation, they are exhausted when it is over. By contrast, when a speaker recognizes the signs in their audience of being heard and maybe even heard enthusicastically, the speaker is energized and and becomes increasingly communicative with their audience throughout their presentation. They are pumped when their presentation is finished.

This phenomenon of being heard explains how being heard can, in itself, encourage one to discover their own solutions. As Brenda Ueland, explained, when someone truly listens as we pour out our problem to them, the solution tends to present itself to us. But let’s add another advantage of being heard.

Listening allows change to take place without forcing it. Being heard reduces rather than increases our resistance, as pointed out by Brian Muldoon in his article,  The Power of Listening. As a mediator, Mr. Muldoon comes at the subject of listening from the perspective of mediation, harnessing its power to bring resolution to conflict.

But from the perspective of one who wants to help others find solutions, we can also recognize the benefit of reducing resistance. There are times in our efforts to help lead someone to a solution through the use of questions when we recognize that the person is circling around the solution but yet avoiding it. For some reason they are resisting this particular solution to what concerns them. But if they are listened to long enough and guided through questions to examine this solution from several perspectives, their resistance can be reduced enough to accept this solution they initially resisted.

Even if they cannot be directed to the solution through questioning, listening to them without judgment can help bring them to the point at which they will listen to a solution you might offer. This is not the ideal, however. Ideally we want to lead them to making their own discovery.

As Brian Muldoon states in his article, “Once we stop being defensive, the mind is free to become creative. Change then happens.”

So in our use of the power of questions to help others “discover their own solutions through the use of guided questions” by utilizing the skill of listening our use of questions becomes truly powerful.

Leave a comment below. Is this information helpful? What have been your experiences in practicing listening and guided questions?