Using The Power of Using Questions to Assist A Friend

My previous blog discussed the value of The Power of Using Questions for a leader supervising those being led. In such a setting using questions might be done formally in a ‘coaching’ relationship or more informally, simply taking advantage of the benefit questions offer.

In this blog, we will move to another example: the Power of Using Questions informally in a relationship with a friend. Can questions be of benefit to a friend, and if so, how?

Have you ever had a friend give you a scenario they encountered and then ask, “what would you have done in this situation?” If so, how did you handle the a question?

Personally, I don’t find such questions to be greatly helpful and can potentially be loaded questions that set you up for the loss of a friend. I try not to get sucked into answering such questions. In my opinion, friends don’t ask friends such questions and friends don’t answer such questions for friends.

Why would I say this? When there have been occasions in the past when I took the bait and gave a reply to the question, invariably the response I got was an explanation of why they couldn't have done what I said in this situation. So did they really want to know what I would have done or did they just want me to affirm what they did? When I didn't affirm them, then they became defensive. If they truly wanted to know and learn from my opinion, they might have used a better question.

Even then, I’m still not sure I would give a direct reply to the question. Instead, I would respond with a question. For instance, I might ask them to give me more detail about the situation. If I led off with this question it would be to move into a questioning mode obliquely and not for the purpose of helping me determine the answer I might give.

If they had not already told me what they did in that situation, my second question might be to ask them what they did in the situation. You cannot always think more than one question in advance since you don’t know what their response will be to your questions. But in this case I am thinking of two and maybe three questions in advance because I will ask the second question regardless of what they tell me they did in that situation, and more than likely will ask the third question regardless of the answer they give to my second question.

After asking what they did in that situation, my second question would be something similar to this: “Is there a particular reason you chose to do that?” And whatever their answer is to this question, I will probably go on to ask, “What do you feel were your other options in that situation?” Again, such a dialogue is unpredictable so it is conceivable that I will not move on to use this third question. It is also conceivable that if I used the third question I would also go on to a fourth question, “In retrospect, given what you know now, would you have chosen one of the other options? And, I would likely follow that question with the question, “why?”

This whole set of questions are a likely line of questions that can be of considerable more benefit to the friend than my attempt to give an answer to his/her question. Assuming the friend truly wants to know if they did the right thing in the situation they described, this line of questions will help them evaluate whether they might have done the best thing. And it will be they who does the evaluation and not me. If they truly want my opinion, offering it after this line of questions can be much more appropriate than offering it at the outset. Once we have gone through these questions and answers I then have some clues on the best way to frame my reply.

In conclusion, I would give a caution about committing oneself too much to a line of questions that might easily be anticipated from the outset of a conversation of this nature. The caution is that by committing oneself too strongly to a line of questions they, in the process, quit listening. The flip side of The Power of Using Questions is The Power of Listening. I will save the discussion of the importance of listening for another blog, but suffice it to say, the use of questions lose their power if we do not use the power of listening.

How Can the Power of Asking Questions Benefit You?

In my previous blog, I asserted that, “Anyone in most any situation can increase their effectiveness in relating to others by learning to ask questions and to quit ‘telling’ long enough to listen to the answers.” Though the use of questions as a powerful tool is the primary tool in the toolbox of the professional coach, it is not necessary for one to be a professional coach or to have gone through coach certification.

So how can you make use of questions to benefit your relationships? I will address other roles in future blogs, but for now, let's assume you are in some type of leadership role. Maybe you are a leader by profession or in a voluntary role. In either case, the use of questions is a paradigm shift, shifting from you, the leader as the one empowered to empowering the person to whom you are relating.

This assertion raises two questions immediately. How does this shift empower the other person? Why would a leader want to empower the one they are leading?

The simple shift to ‘asking’ someone rather than ‘telling’ them is one that automatically empowers them. It assumes that they might know something of value about the issue at hand. In addition, it suggests that their understanding of the issue and possible solutions, remedies, or courses of action might actually guide the course taken rather than having to implement the plans of their leader(s).

However subtle the shift, the impact of empowering and motivating the other person is huge. Even those not greatly observant will sense the significance of the shift. They may not trust it at first, but they will sense it.

As for the second question, “Why would a leader want to empower the one they are leading?” this is a legitimate questions in some settings. In some settings the dynamics of the relationship between leader and follower may not allow it. Besides this type of setting the question might also be asked by a leader who is not particularly secure in his/her leadership. If you are one who doesn't feel completely secure in your leadership role and fear that making a shift that might empower those your lead, let me assure you that making this shift not only empowers the follower but also empowers the leader.

I learned this lesson from a very astute supervisor. Rather early in his role as my supervisor he proposed reworking my job role as well as those of my peers. I was prepared to have him tell us what our roles should be. Instead, he began by asking us what our roles should be and what they should accomplish. That was immensely empowering for those of us on staff. The lesson I learned from that experience for future reference was that his move to take this approach also empowered his position as leader. We had no desire to usurp his role as leader but were motivated to follow his leadership.

Give it a try, leader. I think you will like the outcome. Stay tuned, though, as we discuss in more detail how to make use of the Power of Using Questions in future blogs.

What is "The Power of Using Questions" About?

Thank you for dropping by. This is my first post for the blog "The Power of Using Questions" and the first point of order is to explain what it is about. Here is the simple version: The Power of Using Questions is about having effective and productive relationship through the use of powerful questions.

Read on for the longer version.

I first learned of the power of using questions several years ago when I was working with leaders of non-profit organizations, helping to resource them to be better leaders. I had spent several years prior to this "awakening" attempting to accomplish my task by providing quality training experiences, operating out of the assumption that "we do better when we know better."

Certainly knowledge is a big piece of the puzzle, but it definitely is not the only piece. This realization dawned on me when I finally admitted that the training approach was not affecting much change in helping leaders more fully realize their potential. A few years and innumerable training events later, while working with mostly the same leaders, I had to admit there must be a better way. Little change in leadership effectiveness was evident.

So I set out on a year and one half mission to find a better way. In the end I concluded that the missing link was coaching. Now, I know coaching has become a "buzzword" in many circles. But I find it is often used in a context which has little to do with coaching as I came to understand it, utilizing the power of using questions is not realized.

It was through training and certification I went through to be a leadership coach that I came to realize the power of using questions. But what I also have come to realize is that it doesn't take a certified coach to take advantage of the power of using questions. Anyone in most any situation can increase their effectiveness in relating to others by learning to ask questions and to quit telling long enough to listen to the answers.

But there is the rub. Too many of us, myself included, enjoy hearing ourselves talk and are made to feel more important by telling others what is best rather than being still long enough to ask and listen. By doing so we can discover how much more empowering and motivating this approach can be for those to whom we relate and in turn for ourselves.

My plan for this blog is to provide the benefits of the Power of Using Questions to whomever wishes to benefit from it. I invite you to check back regularly - even subscribe to this blog if you wish - to continue learning the benefits of using questions in your setting.